Couldn't sleep

So it is currently 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have a headache from sinus pressure, watering eyes, and a box of tissues next to me to catch my running nose. Who would of thought this is the condition I would be in when I finally got enough spare time to blog...lol!

It has almost been a month sense I posted last, and I often wonder how I can find time to write a book when I can't even find time to blog. I guess that is why I realized that this book is going to take time and it isn't going to happen overnight. It could take years with as busy as I am. To be honest even though I am so busy, all I think about is this book and what I want to do with it. I have memories and ideas constantly running through my head and I am constantly writing them down. The concepts and ideas keep driving the passion in me deeper and deeper. I almost just want this to be my life. To right this book and use it to help other who are going or have gone through what I have experienced. I guess in the end it is up to God and what he wants to do with my life.

This summer things should be slowing down for me alittle and I will hopefully have some more free time and I have already made plans for it. I already volunteer for the Ted E. Bear Hollow when I have time but I am also going to hopefully start volunteering at Clarkson Hospital here in Omaha. I want to do patient relations in the oncology department. I think it will help motivate me and inspire me to really get serious about this book. I also remember the one time I went with my mom to her chemo treatment at clarkson. All of the cancer patients in one room going through the same thing, sitting there watching the treatment pump through there neighbors veins. When I was there you could just see not only in my mothers face but the other patients faces that it helped to talk to someone about other things beside the horrible disease they are fighting and it helped take their mind of the person who sat by them for months but with never again sit by them. Haven't you ever been hurting and it seems everyone around wants to talk about it but at that time and place all you want is to talk about something else. I have and sorry I wouldn't believe you if you said you hadn't.

I don't have alot to give but I know one thing I can give is my time. If I had the money to change the world I would, but all I have is what God has given me and if this is all I get I am fine with that. All I know is if giving one hour of my time once a week give one cancer patient alittle hope, than it was worth it to me. I may not be able to save the world but I can try to make my part of it a better place!!!

Signs

Yes it is Friday night and I am home blogging. Can you tell my life is really exciting, but honestly if my body didn't get tired and my eyes sore, I could sit and type away all night.

Anyway, today was a great day!! Have you ever wondered if you are headed in the right path, if this is really what God meant for you life? I have often wonder that about writing this book. I have been contemplating it for months, probably years, hence why I didn't keep blogging when I started it last year. I just never knew if I was ready for this. To re-live the 11 months that turn me from 19 year old crazy girl to a mature 20 year old young adult. Well I got my answer today!!

I was wasting some time today before I had to go pick up Blake from work, so I went to Divine Truth Christian Book Store. I had never been there, I was more of a Parables fan, until today. The main reason I went in there was to find some youth ministry books, but I found alot more. I was looking at all the amazing photos they had on the walls and the reading the scriptures written on them, and then the picture below caught my eye.

For those of you who have never met my mom her name was Iris. When I saw this I almost cried. It was like she was sending me a sign to let me know she was here. I mean how perfect is that. Maybe iris flowers are commonly tied to mothers but it was my mother. I plan on going back to get that picture and put it in my office, where it can remind me of prayer, hope and love everyday.

As I continued looking at pictures and wall hangings I came across the the following wall hanging.

WOW...Really!?! When I first read it I couldn't believe I was really reading what I was reading. I read it like two or three times just mesmorized by what it was saying. During the 11th months I had lost Hope, Faith, and Spirit at least once. The only thing I never strayed from was Love. As I read this I knew that God was speaking to me and showing me I was on the right path. The words above are such strong words to someone who is dealing with cancer or has a loved one dealing with cancer. I was almost angry because I felt like if I would of had more Hope, Faith and Spirit for my mom....then I realized that is not the message I was suppose to be getting, the message was that even though I have been effected by cancer, it has no right to take my Love, Hope, Faith or Spirit away. Those are my God given rights and he was showing me that.

Well, on the same rack that I found the above hanging, I found the last piece to my puzzle.

Today was the first time sense I first became a true follower of Chirst, that I finally new I was on the path he had planned for me. That this book was meant to be written and though it maybe along, narrow, rocky path to take, I have faith it is the right one. How you ever felt that you have finally found your purpose in life?? Today I think I finally found mine. That i am meant to tell my story. For what purpose I am telling my story will eventually appear but until then I will by faith and see what comes of it!

Thanks for all your support as I/we take this journey together!!

God Bless!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3: 5, 6

(New International Version)

Homesick

So I was at work today with my headphones on listening to KSBJ (awesome christian radio station out of Houston, TX) and the song Homesick by Mercy me came on and I just stopped. I have heard the song multiple times and it is one of my favorites because if God gave me one piece of paper to write a note on to my mom to let her know how I was, I would write the lyrics at the bottom of this post.

The reason I stopped in the middle of my busy day of processing was because I am homesick, not only in the way the lyrics are written, but in the normal everyday homesick feelings people get. I think that is one of the main reason writing this book has been placed on my heart. As sad as this sounds, not meaning for it to be that way, I literally do not have a home to go to. I will never take Blake home to have Christmas with mom or climb the hill and show him where Chet and I played hide and seek or the cave we use to think wild animals lived. Those are things neither me nor my brothers will ever get to share with anyone we have met since mom passed.

Before I go on I do have a side story about the home I grew up in:
Blake, my friend Brooke and I had gone to the cemetery in good ole Craig, Ne and we
to go drive by my old house and see if anyone had moved in (cause that is all we ever do).
Well, we tried and tried to break in that house without literaly breaking something, but we
were unsuccessful. :o( Then it dawned on us why not try the front door? It worked!! So I
I guess Blake did get to see where I grew up and it was empty with the 70's wall paper,
they had even gotten the piano we left behind out. So I gave Blake a history lesson on my
memories of growing up in this amazing, loving place.

Writing this book and putting my memories on paper perserves them. Even the horrible memories that I am going to have to write down, but they are memories of my best friend. I know maybe that sounds contridicting to what I stated in a previous post, that I want to face the pain. To me the memories, good or bad, is not the pain I feel. The pain I feel and want to get of is a pain that is hard to put into words and at this moment I can't but it in not painful memories.

I realized today that I am always going to be homesick. Yes my dad is alive but he gave up his roots in nebraska to travel this beautiful country. I will be homesick till the day I die, literally, and go home to my Creator and see my mother again.

God Bless!

Homesick by Mercy me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Computer....YAY!!

So today I became the proud owner of laptop computer!! I have been excited for this day to come. I feel like this is a new motivational step forward for me to really write this book. It will definately be easier to blog and write whenever I feel like it. Not that sitting in my office on my extremely comfy folding chair wasn't fun enough. I guess I could of just invested in a new chair but what fun it that?

I now will be able to write where ever I go. Once I get some parts of the book done maybe I will post them on here to get some feed back. Until then..........God Bless!!

The New Year

Hi All!!

Well I set up this blog last year and never got writing. I started this blog for a purpose though. I am going to start writing a book and blog my journey through this process. I am not writing this book for publication necessarily but as a healing process for me.

January 4th, 2009 was the five year anniversary for my mother's death. She was diagnosed with cancer in February of 2003. After an 11 month battle with the horrible dieses, she passed away. At that time I had just turned 20. I am now 25 years old and ready to really face the pain that is deep inside. I figured today is my mothers birthday and what better day to start.

I am not only writing this book for me but for those who have been where I am in past, dealing with it now, or those who will deal with it in the future. The path they are on or my have to travel is not an easy one but I want them to know they aren't alone. When and if I ever get this book published and people read it. I want them to see how rock bottom I went but I also want them to see how I survived the lose of my mother and how they are not alone. Cancer is a horrible thing to watch the one who raised you suffer through. And then to watch them not survive is even worse.

When I first lost my mom I, well lets just say went the opposite way then I should of. The thing is that I had tons of support but not the support someone who just lost there mother to cancer is looking for. I know my mother is in a better place but hearing it over and over again didn't make it any easier. My cement wall went straight up the minute they closed the casket on my best friend. I kicked on the auto pilot and started living life the best I could. I drank and had fun and cried alot. I was miserable, but man could I fake happiness. For a girl who lost her mom five years ago, you would think I was doing wonderful. But it isn't the outside it is what is creeping on the inside. I am now sick of the faking the fact that I struggle. I am doing alot better now then on day one and I am very happy but I still have my battles and always will. I am now ready to fight those battles and writing this book is where I start.

Last November I was introduced to a group called Ted E. Bear Hollow, a center for grieving children. It is for any kind of loss not just children who had lost there parents to cancer. This place has been a blessing in my life. It opened my eyes to the experience of grief. It has inspired me to tell my story and to share it. Who knows if I will ever get this book fully written but I know that whatever journey this takes me on it is a much need one! Feel free to tag along!

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."