The New Year

Hi All!!

Well I set up this blog last year and never got writing. I started this blog for a purpose though. I am going to start writing a book and blog my journey through this process. I am not writing this book for publication necessarily but as a healing process for me.

January 4th, 2009 was the five year anniversary for my mother's death. She was diagnosed with cancer in February of 2003. After an 11 month battle with the horrible dieses, she passed away. At that time I had just turned 20. I am now 25 years old and ready to really face the pain that is deep inside. I figured today is my mothers birthday and what better day to start.

I am not only writing this book for me but for those who have been where I am in past, dealing with it now, or those who will deal with it in the future. The path they are on or my have to travel is not an easy one but I want them to know they aren't alone. When and if I ever get this book published and people read it. I want them to see how rock bottom I went but I also want them to see how I survived the lose of my mother and how they are not alone. Cancer is a horrible thing to watch the one who raised you suffer through. And then to watch them not survive is even worse.

When I first lost my mom I, well lets just say went the opposite way then I should of. The thing is that I had tons of support but not the support someone who just lost there mother to cancer is looking for. I know my mother is in a better place but hearing it over and over again didn't make it any easier. My cement wall went straight up the minute they closed the casket on my best friend. I kicked on the auto pilot and started living life the best I could. I drank and had fun and cried alot. I was miserable, but man could I fake happiness. For a girl who lost her mom five years ago, you would think I was doing wonderful. But it isn't the outside it is what is creeping on the inside. I am now sick of the faking the fact that I struggle. I am doing alot better now then on day one and I am very happy but I still have my battles and always will. I am now ready to fight those battles and writing this book is where I start.

Last November I was introduced to a group called Ted E. Bear Hollow, a center for grieving children. It is for any kind of loss not just children who had lost there parents to cancer. This place has been a blessing in my life. It opened my eyes to the experience of grief. It has inspired me to tell my story and to share it. Who knows if I will ever get this book fully written but I know that whatever journey this takes me on it is a much need one! Feel free to tag along!

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."